


Sheith Angst Week

by mithrel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s04e06 A New Defender, Insecurity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Hatred, Sheith Angst Week 2018, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 14:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15865047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithrel/pseuds/mithrel
Summary: My entries for Sheith Angst Week 2018.





	1. Astral Plane

It takes him some time to realize what happened, longer to accept it. It’s not until Allura is sitting in the cockpit that he realizes he can see and hear what’s happening.

He watches Allura and each of the paladins try to connect with the Black Lion, but she and he are in agreement about this. There’s only one person who can lead Voltron now.

When Black lights up for him, Shiro can feel Keith’s despair, his rejection, but they’re both adamant. There’s no one else for the job.

After Keith is chosen, he only flies Black when there’s a mission. The first few missions are disasters, Keith rushing into things without thought. Shiro knew that about him, but he thought that Keith would step up now that his team is counting on him. 

“I know you wanted this for me, Shiro. But I’m not you. I can’t lead them like you.”

The quivering hopelessness in Keith’s voice has Shiro aching to reach out, but he doesn’t have a body anymore, nothing to reach out _with._ His non-existent nails bite into his palms, non-existent tears slip down his cheeks.

Black gives a rumble, reacting to both their emotions, and he sees Keith shake his head, refusing to accept it.

But Black’s concern continues, and Keith gets up out of the cockpit, wiping his eyes. “Hey, Hunk?” Shiro hears him say faintly, “Can you take a look at the Black Lion? I think there’s something wrong with her.”

Hunk runs as thorough a diagnostic as Shiro’s ever seen, but he can’t find anything wrong. There was little hope he’d find evidence of Shiro’s presence, but he’s disappointed nonetheless.

He can only feel the other paladins faintly when they’re in their lions, slightly stronger when they form Voltron, but he always knows where Keith is and how he’s feeling, even if he’s nowhere near the Lion hangar.

Shiro watches with growing concern as dark circles grow under Keith’s eyes, as his reflexes slip from weariness.

And then the Black Lion senses the fighter and its occupant.

Shiro is 100% against rescuing whoever– _whatever_ –this thing with his face is, but Black does so anyway.

And no one, not even Keith, questions the story of the stranger. Keith gladly gives up Black to him, but it only takes a few minutes for them to realize that she won’t accept “Shiro” anymore. Anymore. He snorts.

Shiro is dozing, the Castle in its night cycle, when he hears something in the hangar and is instantly at full awareness.

It’s Keith, in his pajamas. What’s he doing?

He settles into the cockpit, muttering to himself. “This is stupid,” Shiro hears. “You should go back to bed.”

Shiro takes a closer look at him. Keith looks worse than ever, a grayish tinge to his skin, bruiselike circles under his red eyes. Keith sighs and curls up in the pilot’s seat.

“He’s not here,” Keith says fiercely, as if he’s trying to convince himself.

_I’m here, Keith,_ Shiro says, but of course he doesn’t hear him.

“What’s the _matter_ with you, you’ve got Shiro back, so what if you have to pilot the Black Lion?”

Shiro holds out his hand helplessly, fruitlessly.

“So what if he’s not the same?” Keith whispers, tears on his cheeks as he falls asleep.


	2. Burns

Shiro bolts out of the Lion hangar, moving as fast as he can without jostling Keith too badly.

He’s unconscious–at least, Shiro _hopes_ he’s unconscious. He’s never seen a burn this bad outside of a medical textbook. On Earth it would mean disfigurement and permanent debilitation, if Keith even survived…

He pushes that thought down. Keith _has_ to survive. If he doesn’t, there’s nothing left for Shiro in this universe or any other.

“Hey, what–Oh my God, Shiro, what happened?”

Shiro doesn’t, can’t answer. He just pounds toward the medical bay, Lance pelting behind him, still barking questions that he doesn’t hear.

Shiro doesn’t breathe again until the pod hisses closed around Keith’s too-still form. By now they’re all gathered around him, all deathly silent.

“What happened?” Allura asks quietly, no accusation in her voice, but Shiro still flinches.

It had been a joint mission with the Blade, infiltrating and destroying a Galra base. He’d _told_ Keith to stop taking stupid risks, that nothing was important enough to die over, but Keith had snapped that he could take care of himself, and they’d argued. Shiro had called him selfish, and the look on Keith’s face before he stormed off will haunt Shiro’s nightmares for the rest of his life.

_God, if that’s the last thing I ever say to him…_

Shiro pulls himself together enough to answer. “I’d finished setting the bombs, and Keith was getting the intel. He–ʺ he swallows around his tears, “–and Keith found out they were keeping prisoners on the ship. He wanted to rescue them, but the bombs were already armed…”

He sinks to the floor, tears on his cheeks. He feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Allura. “You got him back in time, Shiro. He’ll be alright.”

“You don’t _know_ that! On Earth–” 

“This isn’t Earth,” Coran interrupts him, looking up from where he’s been studying the pods readings–all dangerously low. “There will be scarring, but we can fix this.”

Shiro looked up at him disbelievingly. Keith had third-degree burns on 60% of his body, and second- and first-degree on all the rest.

“It’ll be at least a movement before he’s fully healed,” Allura says, looking at Shiro understandingly. “Do you want to stay here?”

Shiro nods. He can’t be anywhere else right now.

***

He stands for hours, jigging his leg up and down or tapping his fingers against his thigh. He can’t bear to look at the pod. Can’t bear _not_ to look at it.

Around dinnertime Hunk brings him something warm and savory that sits like a lump in his stomach.

Shiro rubs his burning eyes. He’s so tired, but he can’t sleep. If he sleeps, Keith will die.

He knows that’s irrational, that the healing pod will sustain Keith’s life until he’s healed, knows furthermore that he can’t stay awake for a whole week without doing serious damage to his body and brain, but he can’t convince his heart of that.

Allura comes in with a blanket and pillow. “You should get some rest.”

Shiro yawns. “I can’t.”

She gives him a small, sad smile. “I’ll watch over Keith. Get a few vargas’ sleep. We need you at your best.”

Reluctantly, Shiro nods.

Allura spreads out the blankets for him, and he falls into the makeshift pallet, sure he’ll just stare at the ceiling, but sleep rises like an undead corpse and pulls him under.

***

When he wakes up, the first thing he does is glance frantically at the healing pod.

Keith’s form is unchanged, angry red and black scars covering almost his whole face, but the readings are a bit higher.

“He’s fine.”

Shiro looks over in surprise to see Pidge leaning against the wall. “How long have I been out?” he asks muzzily.

She shrugs. “About seven vargas. Allura asked me to take over watching Keith so she could pilot the Castle.”

Guilt rises up in him. “You didn’t have to–”

“No shit, dumbass,” Pidge cuts him off, and before he can recover from his surprise at the insult, her face softens. “But Keith’s my friend, too. And so are you.”

Shiro feels his eyes burn. “Pidge–”

“But don’t tell him I said that, or every gadget in this Castle will be out for your blood.”

That startles a shaky laugh out of him as he gets to his feet. “I can watch him for now.”

Pidge nods, looking embarrassed as her stomach growls. “I’ll bring you something from the kitchen.”

“Thanks.”

***

They settle into a routine over the next few days, Shiro remaining in the medbay, leaving only to go to the bathroom, the others taking turns bringing him food or watching Keith while Shiro sleeps.

He doesn’t do much of that. He’s started having nightmares, different from his usual flashbacks to the Arena, of Keith screaming “ _I hate you!_ ” and then going up in flames with an anguished scream. Shiro always bolts awake in a cold sweat, to the dim lights of the medbay and the steadily-rising indicators on Keith’s healing pod.

Once, Lance wakes him up. Shiro’s first disoriented, and then humiliated, but Lance just gives him a soft smile and squeezes his shoulder, never bringing it up again. Shiro’s pathetically grateful.

***

At long last, the day comes when the healing pod has finished its work. They all wait tensely. Shiro counts down the seconds until the pod opens.

Keith stands unsteadily, blinking around at the room. His face is mottled with scar tissue, and his hair is mostly gone, but his eyes are clear. “…Shiro?”

“I’m here,” Shiro says thickly, reaching out to grip Keith’s arms, then hesitating. He doesn’t want to hurt Keith, and more than that, he’s not sure if his touch is still welcome after the fight they’d had.

“What happened?”

“We…you...the bomb went off and you were caught in the blast…” Shiro sinks to his knees, whispering “I’m sorry, Keith.”

He feels hands on his elbows, pulling him up. “You were right, Shiro.”

Shiro shakes his head in confusion.

“I take too many stupid risks. I could have died. _Would_ have died if you weren’t there.”

“Keith, no–”

He’s cut off by Keith leaning forward and kissing him. His burned lips feel strange, but his kiss is the same, and Shiro can’t help leaning into it, gripping Keith’s upper arms.

When they pull apart, Keith’s smiling at him, and for the first time Shiro believes they’ll get through this.


	3. Scars

Shiro lies in bed with Keith nestled into his side. They’ve been together for months, but they’ve yet to have more than frantic, half-clothed sex.

He sighs. Keith is more than ready, but Shiro hasn’t let him do anything.

The first time he caught a glimpse of his reflection coming out of the shower, he thinks he’s looking at someone else. It’s not only the prosthetic arm, the tuft of white hair–across his body are the marks of sword, mace and scalpel, some star-shaped, others ragged, yet more too-straight and located above strategic organs.

His time in the Arena is still mercifully a blur, but he remembers getting most of those scars.

The worst battles, though, left no scars.

They flash through his mind–the times when he was forced to fight other terrified prisoners, ill-fed, ill-armed and faltering.

Shiro always won.

Keith stirs against him and Shiro looks down, his thoughts caught on Keith’s beauty.

Keith says he loves him, that he doesn’t care what Shiro was forced to do in the Arena, that it wasn’t his fault.

Shiro knows better.

Knows that if Keith sees the violence and blood splashed indelibly across his skin that he’ll recoil in disgust.

That’s why Shiro hasn’t let himself do anything, however much he might want to.

He doesn’t want to see the light go out in Keith’s eyes.


	4. Betrayal

Keith’s brain and body have betrayed him.

Bad enough he’s suddenly tongue-tied and blushing around Shiro, who he _knows_ has a boyfriend.

Bad enough that he spends half his time under ice-cold showers in the Garrison.

But if he _does_ get hard and forgets himself enough to touch himself, his mind conjures up images of Shiro.

Things from his memory, like Shiro’s laughter floating back to him from the hoverbike, or Shiro’s thumb gentle on his bruised cheek. Shiro’s face flushed after exercise, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead.

And things from his imagination: Shiro’s mouth open and panting, lips red and kiss-bruised. Shiro breathlessly moaning his name. Grabbing Shiro’s biceps as he pins him down.

Keith knows he’ll feel awful when this is over, ashamed and dirty inside for fantasizing about his best friend, the one who’s called him a brother.

But now, chasing the high, his breath coming short and blood buzzing, he can’t bring himself to care.


	5. Sacrifice (MCD)

There’s no more time. Voltron is helpless on Naczela, and none of their weapons will affect the particle barrier.

He turns off the comms, cutting off Matt’s frantic screaming, insisting that there’s another way.

Cutting off his connection to Shiro.

He hopes Shiro will understand one day, will find someone who makes him happy.

Keith takes a deep breath and pushes the control stick forward. The Galra ship looms in his vision.

He doesn’t see the fireball, doesn’t see the barrier sputter and fade.

All he feels is a moment of impact and then darkness.


	6. Pilot Error

Keith stares at the vidscreen, at the words that ended his life, ignoring the gasps and shocked muttering around him.

He hasn’t been alive long. He thought his life ended when he was eight, with the words _He didn’t make it._ After that, even though he was breathing and his heart pumping blood, he was actually just a corpse.

He still remembers the words that brought him back to life.

_How ‘bout you? Think you’ve got what it takes?_

Although after that he’d still gone through the motions in his classes, he’d gloried in the time spent with Shiro, riding hoverbikes and going to aviation museums.

He’d known it was too good to be true. When he found out Shiro was sick, he’d resigned himself to dying again someday soon.

When Shiro had left for Kerberos, despite his pride, he’d become half-dead again, counting down the days until his life would return.

He’s too shocked for tears, staring fixedly at the screen, at the two words still blinking damningly at him, the signal of his re-death.

_PILOT ERROR._


End file.
